What is gaslighting? Signs and examples in daily life

Gaslighting is a pattern of communication aimed at making someone doubt their perceptions, memories, or sense of reality. It can be subtle or overt, and it often develops slowly. If you’re wondering whether what you’re experiencing is gaslighting, it’s okay to feel confused, hurt, or anxious — those reactions are understandable and common.

Quick frame: why this matters

Gaslighting undermines trust in yourself. Over time it can erode confidence, increase self-doubt, and make decisions feel overwhelming. Recognizing the pattern is the first step toward choosing how to respond in a way that suits your safety and values.

How gaslighting usually looks

Gaslighting is not one single action but a cluster of behaviors. Often, the person using gaslighting tactics wants to gain control, avoid responsibility, or influence how you see a situation. That doesn’t always mean they intend long-term harm — sometimes it stems from insecurity, fear, or learned communication habits.

For context, gaslighting can show up alongside other relationship problems. If you’re curious about how strained communication contributes to conflict, you might find this article on communication mistakes useful.

Common signs and phrases

Denying facts: “That never happened,” when you remember it clearly.
Minimizing feelings: “You’re overreacting” or “You’re too sensitive.”
Blaming you: Shifting responsibility: “If you hadn’t…,” even when the other person caused the issue.
Confusing or contradictory statements: Telling stories that change details over time.
Dismissing your memory: Suggesting your memory is unreliable or that you’re forgetting things.
Isolating you: Discouraging you from talking to friends, family, or professionals.
Using compassion against you: “I’m doing this for your own good,” while controlling choices.
Gaslighting by proxy: Recruiting others to confirm the false narrative.

Everyday examples — relationships

In romantic relationships, gaslighting can be emotional and difficult to detect because it often plays into trust and intimate knowledge of each other. Examples include:

One partner insists they never said something hurtful; you find a text that shows they did. They claim it was edited or misread.
After an argument, they tell you they were joking — and make you feel wrong for taking the issue seriously.
They tell others you’re unstable or dramatic, making your concerns seem like overreactions.

If betrayal is part of the context, like infidelity or broken agreements, the emotional fallout can amplify gaslighting. You may want to read about the psychology of betrayal to better understand motives and responses.

Examples at work and in groups

A colleague claims they gave instructions that they did not, then says you’re incompetent for not following them.
A manager denies promises about a promotion or assignment and paints you as forgetful when you bring it up.
Team members rewrite events in meetings to make one person appear mistaken or disloyal.

Family and friendships

Parents brushing off your emotional needs: “You always blow things out of proportion,” when you remember a pattern of neglect.
A friend insists an incident didn’t occur and then questions your judgment when you hold them accountable.
Sibling dynamics where one person rewrites family history to cast themselves as the victim.

Digital and subtle forms

Deleting messages or changing posts, then denying doing it and saying you misremembered the conversation.
Using selective screenshots or out-of-context quotes to make the other person appear unreliable.
Gaslighting through humor or sarcasm — “I was only kidding” used to dismiss harm.

Why people gaslight (short, compassionate overview)

People gaslight for different reasons: to avoid accountability, maintain power, protect a fragile ego, or because they’ve learned manipulative habits. Some may not fully recognize the harm they cause. Whatever the motive, it’s reasonable to feel upset, confused, or betrayed.

Optional ways to respond (choose what fits your situation)

There’s no single right way to respond. Your choices depend on safety, the relationship’s importance, and how repeated the behavior is. Here are some options you might consider:

Document facts: Keep notes, screenshots, or calendars that record events and agreements.
Set boundaries: Calmly state what behavior you won’t accept. Repeat boundaries as needed.
Ask for specifics: “Help me understand when I said that.” This invites clarity and reduces emotional reactivity.
Limit contact: Reduce interactions (temporarily or permanently) if the dynamic is harmful.
Seek third-party perspective: Talk to trusted friends, family, or a therapist to validate your experience.
Consider couples or family therapy: If both people are open to change, a neutral professional can support healthier communication.

Self-care and repairing your sense of reality

Recovering from gaslighting often involves rebuilding trust in your perceptions. Small, consistent steps can help:

Keep a journal: Writing events and feelings helps anchor memory.
Use concrete records: Emails, messages, photos, and calendar entries can counter repeated denials.
Practice grounding techniques: Breathing, sensory checks, and brief walks can reduce anxiety in the moment.
Rebuild social support: Reconnect with people who validate and respect you.
Learn communication skills: Improving mutual listening and assertiveness reduces vulnerability to manipulative patterns; resources on communication mistakes can be helpful for this.

When to seek help

Consider seeking professional support if:

You feel chronically anxious, depressed, or detached.
Gaslighting is accompanied by threats, coercion, or other forms of abuse.
You’re unsure whether the relationship can change or whether it’s safe to stay.

A therapist can help you explore options, establish boundaries, and heal from the emotional impact. If you ever feel in danger, prioritize immediate safety and contact local emergency services or crisis lines.

Practical communication tips (if you choose to address it)

Use “I” statements: “I felt hurt when…” rather than accusatory language.
Stay specific: cite dates, messages, and observable facts when possible.
Limit emotional escalation: take breaks if the conversation becomes hostile.
Invite repair: ask what they’re willing to do differently and whether they’ll join you in counseling.

One gentle reminder

Feeling shaken or uncertain after experiencing gaslighting is normal. You’re entitled to accurate information about your experiences and to relationships that respect your reality. Choosing how to respond is personal — you can prioritize safety, boundaries, or restoration, depending on what feels right.

FAQ

Is gaslighting the same as lying?

No. Lying is making an untruthful statement. Gaslighting is a pattern that aims to destabilize another person’s trust in their perceptions. Lies can be part of gaslighting, but gaslighting is broader and often repeated over time.

Can someone gaslight without intending to harm?

Yes — intent varies. Some people use manipulative tactics out of insecurity, fear, or poor communication skills rather than a deliberate wish to harm. That said, the impact on the other person can still be damaging, and it’s reasonable to respond to protect yourself.

How do I know if I’m exaggerating my worries?

Doubting yourself is a common effect of gaslighting. Consider keeping objective records, asking trusted others for perspective, and consulting a therapist if uncertainty persists. Validating your feelings matters — they are signals worth exploring.